Day 18

This promises to be one heck of a Day.

Have any of you read Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod? I'll say upfront I didn't read the whole book, I downloaded it on my nook and skimmed it and then read a whack of posts that folks in an online group wrote. In short you wake up early and spend time centering your thoughts, meditating, saying affirmations, exercising and scribing. Done consistently this is a transformative practice and after reading how some of these ladies pulled a 180 I was game to jump right in.

So, this morning I got up nice and early and got to it. My plan was to take the steps just a bit out of order, end with exercise and knock back a morning run before the humidity set in.

I didn't count on a little person peeking out of her bedroom door and then declaring "Happy Mother's Day" before charging at me. To add extra sweetness to the situation she asked "How's your slice?" meaning "How's the finger you sliced to shreds on the mandolin, Mom?" I melted. I made coffee for me, milk for her and we watched Snow White. It was awesome. Now it's not so awesome because I'm way behind for the day and we have to decamp so Mr. Husband can do some repairs tonight.

In better news tomorrow is a new day, and another chance to try, right?

Be happy. Be peaceful. Be love.

Days 6-17

The wee love of my life has completed another year at pre-k and is eagerly looking forward to camp starting in July. In the meantime we are enjoying the super humid august-esque weather here in the Hudson Valley. I've been seriously blown away by the humidity levels. Usually in our neck of the woods we've had a few weeks of serious summer under out belts so we can build up coping mechanisms this time not so much. When my kiddo says 'I want to go home' ten measly minutes after we've arrived at the park you know it's too hot.  As for the rest of the 11 days I've been gone - here is the roundup:

• I've targeted a local 5K benefitting one of the charities I love to support ~ St. Jude Children's Research Hospital ~ in September. I'm working a modified couch to 10k so I can keep the run/walk intervals challenging and get a good workout. I'm on an every other day schedule and things are going well. Mr. Husband and I are modifying bedtime to make a 5am wake-up easier. I'm eager to switch to morning runs because it even gets hot and sticky in our complex gym this time of year. 
• I read the book Strong by Alan Cosgrove and was all set to jump into training when... I sliced my finger open in a silly kitchen accident. I'm feeling extremely thankful because it could have been much, much worse and I after a bit of back and forth the Urgent Care Doc patched me up. Let's just say I was good to trade what might be a heck of a scar for being back home within 90 minutes. An ER trip would have offered access to a plastic surgeon or hand surgeon who would have sown me up in layers and minimized scaring - but I'd still be waiting for either of them to saunter in and spend five minutes stitching me up. Like seriously, if you're looking that close at the top of my finger I'll bet we're good buddies and you won't be judging my scars. It'll be another week before I can think of beginning the program. I should be able to get back to running tomorrow. 
• Diet tweaking continues. At the moment I'm low carb ~ since that's what's always worked for me ~ and the progress is steady, though slow. I'm hoping to get a boost once the intervals are more intense, I can add spin back in (can't support myself on a bike with my current hand situation) and I'm lifting. I've also returned to measurements as a measure of progress. I think it's more reliable than the scale. 
• I had a few really wonderful moments of Grace. Once such moment involved my child and a few others climbing into a tree on the school property. The lower branches of this old pine tree hang in a way that the kids like to hide, shake them and try to climb higher up. I walked over in concern one afternoon and said 'Hey, let's be gentle with Mr. Tree, he gives fairies and pixies shelter.' To cut a long story short the mention of fairies or pixies is catnip to the pre-k crowd and soon they were no longer climbing the tree (really this would have been unsafe) and were playing a sort of hide and seek with the Pixies. Very cute, safer and a good lesson in respecting nature. 
• Our local strawberry farms have had a bumper crop this spring. So, we've picked and had a great family afternoon making jam. Tiny hands were in charge of breaking up the berries with a potato masher and it was such great fun. We've got several pints stored away for winter and some holiday gift giving. I'm hunting for sales on more mason jars since the peach crop looks promising and, peach butter is delectable. So is peach-ginger jam. Plus it is a way to teach the toddler and the husband to respect and appreciate the Land. 
• I'm carving out time each day to meditate. Running makes this easier for me, and I do my best work in this field while moving. 
• I booked two workshops for fall in a new classroom space. I'm eager to draft outlines and begin promoting the events.  
• I joined three friends earlier this month to offer an evening of meditations, messages and short readings as a fundraiser for a local children's hospice. The director of the hospice is a top shelf gal who does so much good in a quiet way - and we raised enough to send one of her kids to hospice camp. My heart is still full and I'm leaning in and allowing Divinity to show us when and where to book the next event. 

It's been a busy time, but fun, productive and contemplative. 

I wish peace to all who read here. 

Day 5

Alternate title choice for this post was "You're listening so make the conversation worthwhile" or something equally pithy. Monday's schedule is always a make the most of any free time mashup since the Wee one is with me all day (and I secretly love it). So, during an unusual nap I did some lap-band success story research while knocking a few phone calls off the to-do list. Who thought I'd ever be happy for hold-time.

I removed the FB lap band groups from my feed and am instead focusing on a new forum which has a fair amount of people who have had their bands in place for 10+ years and are at or near goal weight. After a cursory glance I can also say there are many people talking about maintenance and I know I can learn a lot from them. I also found a few new (to me) blogs written by folks who have lap bands and do not seem to be on track from removal or revision.

Let's be clear I'm not advocating sticking your head in the sand. I am advocating focusing on the positive. I have a very involved medical team, in fact other banisters are shocked to hear I follow up at least annually and yes, that includes a swallow study. My current issue is a severe vitamin deficiency so we've taken all fluid out of the band so I can eat as much red mean as humanly possible in an attempt to get my iron level up and out of 'you should get an transfusion' territory. Otherwise we don't see anything out of the ordinary with my band or port. This is good. Six years in this is as good as good gets.

I am, however, a person with a gift for manifestation and a weak spot for getting wrapped up in personal stories. I'm also a double virgo with all the associated hypochondria. You can see where, why and how reading posts and threads about failed lap bands, complications and the destruction it all wended was doing me no favors.

Also on today's high points docket was an invitation to a friend's annual Summer Solstice bash.

Day 4

Day four and I remember the downside of dieting is how gosh darn hungry you can feel by 5pm.

Mr. Husband and I decided to feed the munchkin a bit early and have an impromptu date night: take out and putting a dent in Bloodline on Netflix. This meant our supper was delayed a bit (7pm - gosh I remember when an 8:30pm reservation was romantic. Low how things change) which meant I was downright hungry by the time my vegetable soup arrived. Seriously, I cried inside when the munchkin picked the longest stories on the shelf. Really... Mommy is starving pick the short BuzzyWoody stories.

So, while watching the Rayburn saga-drama unfold I was struck with a parallel to life. Watch the company you keep because they exert influence on you. A lot of influence. This past week I joined an online lap-band support group to remind myself how dieting with this tool works. To immerse myself with folks who know 'the rules' (protein first, drink before eating...) and maybe meet some more Moms looking to shuffle off the post baby pounds. I was seeking support and the group is supportive... of revision surgery. 

I have encountered one lone wolf who is 5+ years out from surgery, had a baby and has successfully lost the post baby poundage. Everyone else is dealing with complications, revisions and lamenting weighing more now than ever before. I feel for them. I can commiserate with them, but, since I'm not on a revision bandwagon I don't fit in. And... reading about the complications is really scaring the crap out of me + kicking my hypochondria into overdrive. Seriously, I'm experiencing symptoms I have never had in 5 years within two days of reading peoples stories.

The Sunday take away? Watch the company you keep and watch the avocado + walnut consumption. Both are healthy and were added to my diet for other healing properties but together they jack up your daily fat intake. Be well.

Day 3

Taking a break from setting up the home office to eat lunch and blog. Why yes, I have read it's better to eat and only eat so you can be mindful, but, I'm pressed for time today.

When we discovered my iron levels were critically low I firmly pushed back against both a transfusion and an IV dose of iron. Partially because both seemed like a radical solution (I later learned given just how low I was neither was off base), partially because I prefer to heal in a more natural holistic way when possible and the vanity reason - no way in effing hell I was going to stay  in a hospital all day. So, we talked strategy and while burgers and steaks sound yummy (rare = best) my lap band doesn't always make steak the best choice. 

So... we reduced band fluid to make tenderloin (super yum) a band friendly meal and I did a good amount of research. Turns out cheerios have 45% of your recommended daily iron needs. If you have 'em with milk you can bump that up to 50%. I have been eating cheerios since and this makes it hard to go low carb, despite that low carb would be the best course of diet action given I have PCOS. I have to find a reliable (and easy to get past my band) source of iron before I give up the cheerios. 

Day 3 totals: calories 1103 / fat 65/ carbs 94 / protein 43.  I think I overdid it with the avocado.

Day 2

Feeling a bit lost today. Lacking motivation of any sort, whatsoever. This is quite likely due to the fact that I have had a horrible migraine headache for three days. Last night I laid in bed contemplating a trip to the ER for pain medicine. Seriously. 

Thankfully I am feeling better now, but, I'm in that space where I'm frightened to do anything that might cause a recurrence. Needless to say I'm much less than thrilled with an impending dentist visit tomorrow, but, I'm too late to cancel.

I'm nearing my highest weight. This is simply not good, not acceptable. I think I weighed less the day I gave birth. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm a third of the way through treatment for serious b12, d and iron deficiencies. I'm not as easily out of breath anymore, which is awesome. At least this will make exercise a possibility and to be honest, I was starting to really worry about silent reflux.
In February 2010 I had a lap band placed and I dropped better than 100 pounds, give or take 4 or 5 pounds on any given day. I was weight training, religiously, so I looked like I weighed a heck of a lot less. I even ran a half marathon. A couple years later I was overjoyed to be pregnant, despite a laundry list of complications I kept gains to a minimum. Flash forward to a premie born by emergency c-section and a really rough recovery... I gained more than I did during the pregnancy.

So... here is the positive part... I know what I'm doing. Right? I know what, should in theory, work. I know how to get where I need to go... so... why am I not doing it? Mostly, because it's overwhelming. I'm not single with time at my disposal. I used to hit the gym at lunch to run, quick shower than back after work to weight train and sometimes more cardio. I had the disposable income for a personal trainer and a swanky gym membership. Now let's be clear the level of swank one's gym attains doesn't make a bloody difference in the quality of one's workout. But, the super soft towels, Molton Brown shower gel & impeccably clean locker rooms certainly made for nice ambiance. I do like ambiance. I also really like impeccably clean - a lot.  Anyway, this can no longer be an excuse. Nice memory, though.
What I remember from this time is that I had a single minded purpose. Getting fit, getting healthy was the framework for each and every decision I made. When things were tough, I pushed forward. Every choice was made with forward motion in mind. That's what's been different the lack of forward motion- even when it's small increments - it has to remain forward. So today's forward movements were to procure a copy of Strong and sign up for an online calorie tracking site. Tomorrow's plan includes reading the book, and working out a plan of 4-6 small meals each day to fit into a prescribed set of calories and macros. That's a start. That's all anyone can do is start.

Day 1

I am beginning this blog at a personal crossroads.

Now, to be clear there is nothing new in beginning a personal project while standing in a crossroads - I'd dare to say 99.91% of the world's great achievements where conceived in such a space.

Nevertheless, here I am.
I am seeking to walk a new path.
I
 am giving myself over to be led by the Goddesses who have walked before me, will walk long after me and on this day walk beside me. I am choosing to reclaim all that resonates as Holy with my Soul - much of which will seem a contradiction to others reading in this space. That's fine. That contradiction is as it should be for I am launching a space and place of discovery.

Welcome